The story, like every other Hess film, is simple. Young Benjamin, played by Michael Angarano, goes off to writer's camp where he meets his idol, author Chevalier, played by Flight of the Concord's Jermaine Clement. It is at this camp that Chevalier steals Benjamin's novella and publishes it as his own. The story than follows Benjamin and how he deals to losing control over his novella, to a friend who is making it into a film and to Chevalier who accuses him of plagiarism. What astounds me is that the story that was stolen may be the biggest steaming pile of dog crap out there... it was even worse than the film itself... which is hard to do.
The story stolen is about a man named Bronco who awakens on a foreign planet without his testicles. They were stolen by an evil overlord who is using them to create a super breed of soldiers. Bronco enlists the help of his ferocious cat and old childhood friend to destroy the overlord and retrieve his testicles.
It astounds me that this script ever got off the ground. Hess has been on a steady decline from Napoleon Dynamite which provided audiences with a couple of chuckles to Nacho Libre where I think I chuckled once, and finally to this, Gentlemen Broncos where not only did I not laugh once but I wanted to pluck my eyes out and throw them against the wall.
After about 15 minutes I wanted to turn it off; the only reason I didn't is so I could say that I had completed this steaming pile of Boa Constrictor turd and warn all of you out there to avoid it at all costs. Not only will this movie bore you to tears, but... well - it will bore you to tears... and then make you want to find out where Jared Hess lives, fill a brown paper bag with your own feces, light it on fire and then throw it through his living room window, ring the doorbell and then punch him in the face when he answers for being such a bad filmmaker.
I have figured out how Jared Hess makes a film:
1.) Use pastel colours and poorly hand drawn pictures during opening credits, and continue to refer to them throughout the film.
2.)Find funny looking people.
3.) Make them look attractive by putting them next to super ugly people.
4.) Make every single character annoyingly insane - therefore making even the most insane, ugly character seem normal.
5.) Have them deliver deadpan nonsensical lines that are 'supposed to be funny' but make you moan.
6.) Repeat for 60 minutes.
7.) Start of Plot.
8.) 15 Minutes of Plot.
9.) Deus Ex Machina Ending.
10.) One more deadpan, not funny nonsensical line.
11.) Credits
Jared Hess. Please. Stop. Making. Movies. They are awful. God-awful.
If you've made it to this point of the review and still have some sort of urge to go out and rent this film... well... don't say I didn't warn you.
0.5 out of 5 stars.
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