Vampires Suck: Movie Review

The most surprising thing about this film is that I actually made it all the way through the movie without walking out. Vampires Suck reunites Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer as co-writers and directors. The only genre they know is that of the parody-genre who have been working together since Spy Hard, through The Scary Movie series, and every other parody-based genre which includes: Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans. So it`s not a really great track record and it`s one that`s gotten worse with age. God forbid how bad Scary Movie 5 will be.  Before I delve too much into this review I just have to say: Ken Jeong has officially become Hollywood's favourite whore; from background work for MadTV, to baring his l'il Jeong in The Hangover, and to the villain in the Brendan Fraser miss Furry Vengeance Ken Jeong is popping up all over the place and he seems to be only hitting his stride as a comedic actor 20% of the time.

Have you seen Twilight? I haven't, BUT with all the Twilight phenomenon I figure it's a simple plot and the exact same plot as Vampires Suck. New girl at school meets outcast boy whose really a vampire. They fall into forbidden love, but because the love is forbidden obstacles keep them apart, enter werewolf who wants girl to fall in love with him. The conflict of the soul. Ultimately vampire is chosen. The end. Sorry if I ruined your movie. Now, I get it - the film is a parody and what this film attempts to do is be more of an Airplane! parody than a Scary Movie parody. Friedberg and Seltzer take one film and try to parody it scene for scene as Airplane! did with Zero Hour! rather than parody a slew of movies. Sure there is one mention of True Blood and by mention I mean a vampire that looks like Bill walks by carrying a bottle of True Blood.

Vampire fiction is huge and it has been since the late 19th century with Stoker`s Dracula, especially in cinema with Nosferatu, Dracula (all bazillion movies made), Blade, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood amongst hundreds of other films and television shows, all taking a different take on what a vampire really is. When you have a film title such as Vampires Suck you would think that this movie would be an all-encompassing parody of all things vampires... but no... it`s an all-encompassing film that plays more like a tribute to Twilight than a parody film.

This movie was painful to watch. It was so boring. It was pure drivel. The acting was horrendous. Ken Jeong has hit a low-point in his career. The main character, Becca (Jenn Proske), is a complete unknown... and there`s a reason for that. I have seen better acting in grade school musicals. Other than Jeong other actors include comedienne Crista Flanagan, who somehow also gets roped into doing all of these parody films with Friedberg and Seltzer... she hasn't been funny since her first two seasons with MadTV. Other actors include 90210`s Matt Lanter, Gossip Girl`s Chris Riggi, and Disney-owned Anneliese van der Pol. B (and C)-list actors in a D-list film.

Do I think Vampires Suck is going to do well in theatres? Unfortunately yes. Vampire-fiction is the hottest form of fiction now-a-days... more of this fiction is the last thing we need, especially since 75% of it is just garbage. (Yes, Twilight I'm looking at you.) This movie is going to be hated, by critics and by everyone who goes and sees it... but unfortunately these parody-films are a cash-cow (just like the Twilight franchise).

Skip this movie. Seriously. I hated it. Every part of it. I should have saved that 80 minutes of my life and not bothered with this piece of shit.

ZERO out of FIVE stars.

BIG FAT 0!!!!!