The Last Exorcism: Movie Review

"If you believe in God you must also believe in the Devil" is the tag line to producer Eli Roth's The Last Exorcism. Daniel Stamm helms the director chair of this Blair Witch'esque film. The plot revolves around Reverend Marcus Cotton (Patrick Fabian) who has performed dozens of exorcism-shams over his lifetime as a preacher. When Reverend Cotton hears of an exorcism gone wrong with a child is killed he starts to question his belief in God and decides to quit his life as a preacher and exorcist. On a final exit note he decides to make a documentary exposing exorcism for what it is, a sham. He picks a 'help me' letter which sends him into Idlewood, Louisiana to exorcise the demon Abalom out of a young girl, Nell Sweetzer (Ashley Bell). While Reverend Cotton believes the supernatural aspects surrounding Nell aren't really her actions he performs a mock-exorcism (which he's used to doing) and leaves only to find that nothing changes, in fact everything escalates bringing forth her actual demons.

This movie is everything wrong with horror films. It is supposed to be a supernatural thriller, with no thrills. We've seen the fake documentary horror films before with The Blair Witch Project and even to some extent Paranormal Activity.  This film is so boring, nothing happens. Every time you think somethings about to happen... nothing happens. We hear thumping coming from Nell's locked room. The documentary crew storm in... no one is there... oh wait, Nell is sitting on top of her dresser. Everyone goes back to doing nothing. We hear shrieks coming from a non-existent child only to find Nell drowning a doll in a bath tub. The thrilling moments are held together by the intensity of wondering what could happen, only to become anti-climatic with absolutely nothing coming out of the intensity.

The ending is also seen a million miles away. First off, and sorry if I ruin this for you, the film is lost footage. Unless you live under a rock and have never seen or heard anything about this film you will know that as the marketing strategies all talk about this lost footage being found. So obviously it's not a favourable outcome. And not even thirty minutes into the movie the director point blankly literally points to a picture and says: this is how everyone dies. AND THEN the characters talk about it for 5 minutes which just assures us as an audience that that's how the main characters will eventually be destroyed. Also - I don't feel bad for saying any of that as horror movies are 99% tragic. They are the exception to being able to have a tragic ending. And while The Last Exorcism is so much more boring than scary the tragic ending is the only trait that keeps in style with horror films. Writers Huck Botko and Andrew Gurland have never written a successful horror film in their lives, their resume is filled with raunchy-teenage 'comedies'. And I think they should stick to ruining that genre as the horror genre has been ruined by many others countless times over.

As for the acting, well Patrick Fabian wasn't a bad actor, he held this pitiful piece of shit together... as for Ashley Bell (the other lead) I couldn't get past the fact that she looks like Michael Cera with a wig, and therefore was waiting for her to start to hit on a hotter girl that is obviously out of her league.

This movie is a waste of 80 minutes. Over hearing comments as I left the film everyone else hated the film too. I tried so hard to like this film, and it had so much potential - yet nothing of substance happened. Nothing scary happened. Nothing worth making this film watchable happened. You keep getting sucked into the intensity of the film only to be let down with all the anti-climatic plot turns. The final 10 minutes is also the most ridiculous moments I have ever seen in a movie. They reminded me of Nicolas Cage's remake of The Wicker Man. So all I can say is: don't bother with this movie.

1 out of 5 stars.

The Best & Worst Movies of 2010 (Thus far)

The summer season is drawing to a close which means that after the Toronto International Film Festival studios are gonna start pumping out their fall films.  So let's recap a bit on what's happened thus far in what may be one of the worst years for feature films so far. There has only been one movie so far this year that has seemed to garnish only praise from critics and it's not Inception. It's Toy Story 3. The animated films are ruling the year by far. So far top picks of 2010 are:

Honourable Mention: Defendor - Woody Harrelson plays an autistic man who believes that he is a Superhero in this comic tragedy. Also starring Sandra Oh, Kat Dennings and Elias Koteas. 4 out of 5 stars.

5.) Harry Brown - Michael Caine kicks you in the face with some bad ass awesomeness in this epic crime thriller. Caine plays Harry Brown, an older man who wishes to avenge his friends death and take out the trash by killing off members of an English street-gang. Also starring Emily Mortimor. 4 out of 5 stars.

4.) How to Train Your Dragon - DreamWorks Animations shows that it is a threat to Pixar's golden standards of animation with Jay Baruchel heading an all-star cast of dragon training Vikings in How To Train Your Dragon. The 3D was pretty epic as well. 4.5 out of 5 stars.

3.) The Trotsky - Another Jay Baruchel movie. This time set in Montreal, Quebec with a teenage boy who thinks he is the reincarnation of Leon Trotsky. His attempts to unionize the students at his public school provide many hilarious moments in this great Canadian film. 4.5 out of 5 stars.

2.) Despicable Me - I would almost say that this is better than Toy Story 3 on the concept of originality alone but you can't mess with perfection and Pixar pulled it off. Universal's attempt at 3D animation was clever and a lot of fun with Steve Carell stealing the moon with his funny little minions. 4.5 out of 5 stars.

1.) Toy Story 3 - Pixar Animation. The golden standard of Animation. Toy Story 3 proves it once again with Woody, Buzz and the gang all back for another thrill ride that's appealing to young and old alike. 4.5 out of 5 stars.








And now the 5 worst movies of 2010 (that people paid money to see) thus far.

5.) Alice in Wonderland - Boring. Rehashed. Unnecessary. Uninspired 3D. What was with that last dance by Johnny Depp?

4.) Clash of the Titans - Can I repeat everything I said about Alice in Wonderland only take out that bit about Johnny Depp and say: what was with the performanced by Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and Sam Worthington. Most anti-climatic movie of the year.

3.) Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - This Disney cash-cow would have been much better as a cartoon... or never made. Jake Gyllenhaal and Ben Kingsley = Hollywood whores? I think so. Going from Oscar-performances to this cinematic drivel... it speaks for itself.

2.) Grown-Ups - This may be the worst Adam Sander movie made. I would rather watch Spanglish and Punch Drunk Love again over this. Adam Sandler needs to learn to grow up. Seriously. Has his time passed? I think so. I can only handle so many fart and dick jokes and Sandler's grew old 10 years ago.

1.) Vampires Suck - If you actually doubt me on this one then I have lost faith in all things cinematic.

Vampires Suck: Movie Review

The most surprising thing about this film is that I actually made it all the way through the movie without walking out. Vampires Suck reunites Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer as co-writers and directors. The only genre they know is that of the parody-genre who have been working together since Spy Hard, through The Scary Movie series, and every other parody-based genre which includes: Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans. So it`s not a really great track record and it`s one that`s gotten worse with age. God forbid how bad Scary Movie 5 will be.  Before I delve too much into this review I just have to say: Ken Jeong has officially become Hollywood's favourite whore; from background work for MadTV, to baring his l'il Jeong in The Hangover, and to the villain in the Brendan Fraser miss Furry Vengeance Ken Jeong is popping up all over the place and he seems to be only hitting his stride as a comedic actor 20% of the time.

Have you seen Twilight? I haven't, BUT with all the Twilight phenomenon I figure it's a simple plot and the exact same plot as Vampires Suck. New girl at school meets outcast boy whose really a vampire. They fall into forbidden love, but because the love is forbidden obstacles keep them apart, enter werewolf who wants girl to fall in love with him. The conflict of the soul. Ultimately vampire is chosen. The end. Sorry if I ruined your movie. Now, I get it - the film is a parody and what this film attempts to do is be more of an Airplane! parody than a Scary Movie parody. Friedberg and Seltzer take one film and try to parody it scene for scene as Airplane! did with Zero Hour! rather than parody a slew of movies. Sure there is one mention of True Blood and by mention I mean a vampire that looks like Bill walks by carrying a bottle of True Blood.

Vampire fiction is huge and it has been since the late 19th century with Stoker`s Dracula, especially in cinema with Nosferatu, Dracula (all bazillion movies made), Blade, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood amongst hundreds of other films and television shows, all taking a different take on what a vampire really is. When you have a film title such as Vampires Suck you would think that this movie would be an all-encompassing parody of all things vampires... but no... it`s an all-encompassing film that plays more like a tribute to Twilight than a parody film.

This movie was painful to watch. It was so boring. It was pure drivel. The acting was horrendous. Ken Jeong has hit a low-point in his career. The main character, Becca (Jenn Proske), is a complete unknown... and there`s a reason for that. I have seen better acting in grade school musicals. Other than Jeong other actors include comedienne Crista Flanagan, who somehow also gets roped into doing all of these parody films with Friedberg and Seltzer... she hasn't been funny since her first two seasons with MadTV. Other actors include 90210`s Matt Lanter, Gossip Girl`s Chris Riggi, and Disney-owned Anneliese van der Pol. B (and C)-list actors in a D-list film.

Do I think Vampires Suck is going to do well in theatres? Unfortunately yes. Vampire-fiction is the hottest form of fiction now-a-days... more of this fiction is the last thing we need, especially since 75% of it is just garbage. (Yes, Twilight I'm looking at you.) This movie is going to be hated, by critics and by everyone who goes and sees it... but unfortunately these parody-films are a cash-cow (just like the Twilight franchise).

Skip this movie. Seriously. I hated it. Every part of it. I should have saved that 80 minutes of my life and not bothered with this piece of shit.

ZERO out of FIVE stars.

BIG FAT 0!!!!!

The Expendables: Movie Review

The Expendables kicks you in the face with pure adrenaline and awesomeness right from the very first minute. Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) leads a rag-tag gang of mercenaries who don't ask questions when it comes to taking a job.  Their jobs fall on the side of being hired by governmental agencies or corporations to do what needs to be done when they can't do it themselves. After a job where one of their group, Gunner Jenson (Dolph Lundgren), goes rogue the group of mercenaries decide to take a job offered by the CIA (enter Bruce Willis & Arnold Schwarzenegger) which takes them to the small island of Vilena in South America. Their mission is to kill dictator General Garza (David Zayas); a battle unevenly matched as Barney's five man team must face a small army to get close to completing the task.

Stallone knows action and he delivers. Bringing together some of the world's best action stars to front this film Stallone just nailed it. Jet Li, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, and of course Sylvester Stallone rock the audience with an hour and a half of pure action. Oh yeah, Mickey Rourke is in it too - but his character does jackshit. As for a film in general: sure, there are plot holes... the script has moments of weakness... the love interest is boring... but who cares, we get to see a guy shoot a shotgun machine gun that launches 250 rounds per minute tearing holes through people. We get to see heads being blown off and body limbs torn off. There is an action scene where Jet Li karate kicks a guy in the neck breaking it so badly that it hangs loosely BACKWARDS. Sure, the violence is so extreme that it borders on hilarious - but it's so bad that it's amazing.

This is the movie that twenty years from now my children will be watching and loving the way I can sit down and watch Rambo or Rocky and love it. Stallone isn't new to the writing and directing chair either with a resume of great films behind him. All I can say is that Sylvester Stallone is the Clint Eastwood of extremely violent action films and I hope he never changes. 

If you like violent action films than this is the films for you. Fuck Inception! This is the movie of the summer!

I may just have to go and see it again!

4.5 out of 5 stars!

Scott Pilgrim vs The World: Movie Review

Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is an ass. A complete and total ass. Having been dumped by the 'girl of his dreams' approximately a year before he hops from girl to girl rebounding and ultimately breaking their heart in the process. Oh yeah, he plays in a band. They suck, or at least that's what they keep telling us, so the fact that they win little competitions throughout the movie is kinda surprising. I digress... he meets Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) an only attractive in a kinda cute way unique individual that he immediately falls in love with. Her disinterest in him only makes him pursue her even more until she randomly changes her mind, likes him, and invites him over for sex and tea... but in a Michael Cera'esque fashion the sex never happens. Immediately Scott Pilgrim is plagued by Ramona's 7 evil-exes who have formed together as a legion to destroy anyone who dates Ramona. The entire premise, as illogical as it is, is either augmented (or diminished, pending how you look at it) by video game like animations.

The film runs close to 2 hours but the novelty wears off within the first 20 minutes. By evil-ex 3 I felt like I had checked out and all I wanted to do was go home and watch something more entertaining like C-PAC or just count the bumps on my ceiling... there has to be tens of thousands up there. But no, I stayed... until the end... still trying to figure out the pointlessness of the final 20 minutes.  While director Edgar Wright has had some major hits in his past (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) I would daresay that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is being catered to a certain niche and people are either going to love it or hate it.

Now to contradict what I just said I can't say that I hated it... there were moments that I smiled... the first twenty minutes were kind of cool... unfortunately like I already said the novelty wore off and jokes about peeing on people and Scott Pilgrim having to share a mattress on a floor with his gay roommate and his boyfriends got old very quickly. It was also nice to see a movie filmed AND set in Canada, because while everyone comes here to shoot their films no one really sets anything here. So it was nice to see a movie set in Toronto... however now that I say that I didn't hate it... I far from loved it. Like on a scale between love and hate I am closer to the hate level of the scale. What didn't I like besides what I've already talked about?

The performances were sub par. Anna Kendrick went from almost being a gorgeous Oscar-winner to being 3-hairs away from a uni-brow and a whiny bitchy sister character that is almost completely unnecessary. Don't even get me started on the performances by the ex's. And of course Michael Cera plays, once again, a boy who tries so hard to get with a girl that is so far out of his league... and managing to do so. The movie in itself was also way too long for a movie of this genre.  Don't get me wrong I don't dislike this film for the absurdity of it, because sometimes the absurdity makes things generally enjoyable... this time it just got boring and fast. Maybe it was the acting, maybe it was the rehashed fight scenes every few minutes, maybe it was the overuse of video game animation... whatever it was - I got bored, quickly... and once I'm bored I stop enjoying the film.

Is this movie worth paying to see? No. Is it worth seeing? Maybe only if you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time. And yet, despite the fact that I disliked the film I believe that a lot of people will like it... a lot of people who don't go to movies so often will find it different and those that do go to a lot of movies will find it refreshing because of the absurdity. I however also believe that a lot of people will get bored, really easily with this film and that it really won't be as big of a hit as everyones guessing it will be.  Everyone who has really had a desire to see this film has already seen it in pre-release with Universal Studios doing premieres throughout the country over the past month and a half, giving die-hards many chances to get into see it.

1.5 out of 5 Stars

Oh... Sorry... Those are the bumps on my ceiling... time to get counting...

The Other Guys: Movie Review

Will Ferrell has a handful of funny movies. Anchorman, Old School, and his years on Saturday Night Live.Other than that Will Ferrell stays just funny enough to maintain a prolific career as a funnyman. The jokes are, a lot of the time, the same as is the cast and characters he portrays. The Other Guys is no different. Will Ferrell plays Detective Allen Gamble, a loser-of-sorts forensic detective who has a split personally as Gator the pimp. He is teamed up with adrenaline pumping Detective Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg) who just wants to kick-ass. When the cities most famous (and dumbest) detective duo Highsmith (Sam Jackson) & Danson (Dwayne Johnson) kill themselves jumping 20 stories after some diamond thieves the rest of the NYPD try to become the new duo. Meanwhile in his own little world Gamble starts to find irregularities in businessman David Ershon's (Steve Coogan) dealings. This leads to a cover up of massive proportions that only Gamble and Hoitz can uncover.

Adam McKay writer and director of The Other Guys provides the audience with another lacklustre 'comedy' that can be placed in the ranks of Talladega Nights, Step Brothers, and most of the crap he throws at us on Funny or Die Presents. In my honest opinion McKay and Ferrell realized they had a hit with Anchorman and then figured they could do no wrong. Unfortunately The Other Guys proves that they can do so much wrong. The opening segments with Samuel Jackson and Dwayne Johnson are nowhere near as funny as they are meant to be; in fact I found them to be painfully embarrassing. The main gag for them is that they cause 200 million dollars worth of damage to arrest a group of guys who are carrying a bag of pot. This segment is proceeded with the 'witty line' "Woah. Did someone call 9-1-Holy shit?" The movie continues with segments of moronic humour sandwiched between nonsensical, but serious, plot developments.

In all honesty, I'm tired of Will Ferrell. He's nowhere near as funny as people give him credit for. While sure there are some funny moments there are more unfunny moments than funny.  One of the few funny moments is when Ferrell's character is given a wooden gun to replace his sidearm, and when his car is hijacked the hijackers take his wooden gun. However this gag is repeated over and over and over again, as are most gags. Ferrell's characters car gets jacked and homeless men have an orgy in it, which made me chuckle at the absurdity of it, however when the gag is repeated 3 times I started to groan. Another moment is when Ferrell is taking his partner Wahlberg home to meet his wife and he makes his wife sound like an ugly old hag and out steps the beautiful Eva Mendes. However, Ferrell's abuse of her goes from funny to embarrassing as his antics border on domestic abuse.  This movie in an entirety proves its comedic value (as not having much) with its anti climatic arrest line at the end of the movie: "I hope you like prison food... and penis."

Sometimes I forget that Adam McKay and Will Ferrell are grown men as their comedy routine fits more with that of a high school student. The plot of The Other Guys is more boring than anything. The movie has many laugh moments, but none of them really worth a damn. Markie Mark spends the entire movie running around yelling and proves to be less than entertaining alongside the under-performing cast. On a last note - Rob Riggle. I hate him. The guy is not funny. No matter what you say. I can run around like an idiot yelling random shit like: IN THE FACE! too - it doesn't make me funny - it makes me annoying. He should have stayed in the Marines and out of movies.

This movie, while a million light years better than Grown Ups is still far from a good comedy. I would suggest you skip it... but if you feel the need for a mindless comedy filled with fart and dick jokes save your money and check it out on a cheap Tuesday or rent it on DVD when it comes out.

1.5 out of 5 stars